Currently Listening Speak for Yourself By Imogen Heap see related

bittersweet taste left in my mouth...

It's been a good year.

Tomorrow, less than 24 hours away, one test away and I will be done. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't always been fun, but it has been wonderful. Laughter that lingered into the night. Tests prepared for in the eight hours before when we should have been sleeping. Nights when sleep seemed like the last thing on our mind and the hours always seemed to slip away too quickly. Tears that seemed to cut like knives on their way to our mascara stained pillows. Hugs that seemed to stop time momentarily. Food, Food, and more food. No more sneaking out because parents were no where in sight. Classes missed. Tests failed and aced. Memories made that will last forever. The sound of laughter, mischevious giggles that echoed into the night, the city lights that seemed to age us for the moment, business, monotony, beautiful.

It past too quickly and it left scars and growth. and ultimately it has shaped our lives forever. We have tasted freedom. We have tasted but a drop of the real world. We have felt the consequences of our actions with no mother to make our bad decisions right. We have spoken words and felt feelings that have changed us, and if we allowed it to, changed us for the better. We have seen a mighty God stretch down his hand of protection and providence and we are thankful, not nearly enough.

We have grown. We have changed. We have seen ourselves evolve. We have had our hearts broken and dreams distorted in the city lights. We have loved, lost, and lusted. We have learned.

It is the definition of college itself. Learning. It is why we came. It is what we want to accomplish. And we will. we will accomplish it in the midst of the laughter. We will grow in the midst of our tears. We will mature in the midst of our love.

Because in the end there is love. Love God. Love people. That is all there is.

And it comes to an end. The year we waited our entire lives for. The moments we dreamt of. The time that we planned for. And the times that we could have never been ready for.

It has come and it has passed. And we are blessed.

I hope you have had the year that you least expected. I hope the moments brought you laughter and tears. I hope the times took your breath away and took your hope away and then I hope you saw His mighty hand draw back your hesitations and show you the way.

It's nights like tonight that make you remember how good God is...

He's amazing.

Nights like tonight remind me that you can always go home and the people you love will always be there. Years go by, we all change a little but you can always pick back up where you left off... happy... that's all that matters when they are real friends. Real people who care. Who remind you that you dont have to be good at everything, big things like education, or little things like juggling... you can just be you and that's enough.

These are the times that remind me that God cares about even the little things...  like taking time to use His people to remind me that He is love. He is enough. He is good. He is faithful. His people are good.

I love huntsville. I love these people. I love the feeling of home and the feeling that being me is enough for people who really care. And for the rest of people whom we all go through life using one mask and one costume to impress... they don't matter.

It's real friends and real family and real happiness that matters... having real fun doing things you really love and not having to try and fit in when you know in your heart you don't belong.

These are the days we will remember all of our lives... nights that leave us smiling and thanking God for another amazing day with His people in His presence.

In the end, it is not what we have accomplished, what we have achieved, what we have sought, what we have lost, what we have won, or what we have learned, It is simply that we loved.

Love God. Love people.

That is all that matters.

I hope your spring is filled with His presence and His people and may you smile every time you are reminded that He cares.

because He cares.

Thank you to those who remind me that I am enough.

I love you!

I'm not sure thought is such a good thing.

On one hand it can be purifying... ridding yourself of unnecessary fears and problems.... and on the other hand I find it quite consuming and depressing.

I suppose it depends on the thought.

I'm not sure this whole college experience is what I cracked it up to be.

And I had a long meaningful thought that I wanted to share... simply to get it out of my head and into the computer which is seem to find consumes most of my day for whatever the reason, but as I began to type i realized i have caught a severe case of ADHD and have lost all urge to let go of the looming thoughts that have overtaken my days and nights.

Maybe it's the city that is robbing me of myself.

Have you ever awakened to find that you'd been sucked clean of yourself and you were left with an empty shell filled with someone else's dreams and desires. Someone else's fears and insecurities. It's rather alarming. The thief must have come in the night. or perhaps in the day clothed in the dark winds of pollution that seem ever-present here in this dreary city.

It seems that slowly as the year has gone by i see more and more empty shells, some with smiling faces, others faces so blurred with teratogen the remains are left in shambles, and still more confused shells... searching shells... but these searching shells are few and far between and while they seem the most tormented I find them to be the most blessed of us all because somehow in the madness they have held on to a dear little piece of them shielding it from the thieves of age and experience and the confusion merely comes from trying to thinly spread the last remains of themselves over the otherwise empty self.

The American dream. I'm not sure dream would be the word i would place upon this burden. Burden seems much more appropriate. the cultural expectations of "success" seem quite overwhelming to me.

Friendship despairing in this gloomy city. perhaps it is because I am trying to befriend empty shells of people who are no longer anything but minions to the prestigious university, or perhaps, rather, i feel as though it is because I am trying to replace and group of friends whom i could never replace nor compare.

The friends I have left in the years gone by are not comprable to any i am afraid that I will ever know again.

Family is the only safety net i have left.

I wonder sometimes if it will forever be a battle of holding on an letting go of ones past and present and the ever so ominous future.

The bleakness of it all is overwhelming and even the joy of literature when I can be taken to another time and place and fooled by another set of fake smiles I cannot enjoy. simply put because time is my only enemy.

And for lack of time I will go and retreat back into the bleak city that awaits to steal me of myself.

Holding dear to something I know not.

It is a scary world here on my own. I am afraid I am quite unprepared.

Prepare yourself.

This might get ugly.

Currently Listening Taylor Swift By Taylor Swift see related

I wanted to die...

I thought the pain would never stop...

And it's not bettter... but i remember that I have friends who love me... and a boy who is in my thoughts every day to remind me that someone cares about me and that there are great guys out there...

I've given up on trusting boys...

I want to hate him... I want to say i'll never talk to him again...

I want to tell him it was a waste of my time waiting on him to grow up....

but I love him.

I loved him... i think I might always love him....

but it's over... and it's good even though it hurts like hell...

I'll just sit here with my awesome roomates and listen to boy hater music and talk about how gay he was and how the little ticks that I secretly adore really got on my nerves...

That's what I'll do until i can look myself in the eyes and imagine me without him.

I'll just keep searching till i find the girl i lost... the girl that gave everything she had to make it work and it failed... I dont know why I am suprised...

But it hurts like hell... and it's raining... and that makes it so much worse.... but today is a little easier i made it till 12 until the tears came... and they'll stop and i'll put on a smile until i don't have to fake it anymore... That will be so nice....

To be in a place where laughter and smiles are real, heard and felt by happy people who are loved.

This hurts like hell... but I will be better in the end...

kate

Currently Listening Eyes Open By Snow Patrol see related

home...

I don't think the saying is true that you can never go home again...

I love it at home. I want to live at home forever.

And yet i want to move far far away and be completely on my own just to see if i can make it on my own.

But for now... i am stuck in between... striving to attain an education.

Psychology is an odd degree... you spend half your time trying to learn how to evaluate people's lives and the other half evaluating your own.. which in return drives you crazy... in all regards...

In the middle of self-contemplation I have discovered very little about my actual self. I have come up void of anything really, other than these few generalities.

I'm not a very good friend.

I'm very self conscious and quite the conformist.

I love to travel and want to do it often.

I love to learn even when it's hard.

I have no idea what i'm looking for in the opposite sex.

I would rather be rich than adventurous.

I have left pieces of my heart with people whom i hardly know anymore.

My greatest achievement in life has yet to occur.

Other than that, Birmingham is nice, but i haven't explored much, mainly because i have no one to explore it with. I feel as though at my stage in life there should be people who know me well... and other than my family who knows what I allow them to, no one really knows me all that well... partly that could be my fault for not taking time to know myself.

Perhaps this psychology thing will work out in the long run.

The city lights seem so far away from my comfortable balcony and yet I long to explore them. I want to enjoy the culture of the city, maybe I will soon.

For now, academic achievement is my only stability.

I love the season...

The cold is always comforting to me for some reason.

I love you all... come explore my city with me.

Kate